Fed up father puts his foot down when 38-year-old wife refuses to leave late father's senior dog alone, marriage drama ensues when she refuses vacations as well: ‘We… have hardly left our city [in] years’

Normally, animal fam, we're all pawsitivity and wholesomeness on this page. But today we're going to get a little real with you. We all know that dogs have a pawsome healing effect on humans - our dogs have pawsonally helped us through intense periods of grief. However, what happens when the dog is your connection to the grief itself?

The mom in this post inherited her late father's 15-year-old senior dog. The doggo has thrived with his new family, but the dog requires intensive care. So much so that Mom won't leave the dog with anyone else. This is starting to cause family drama because she won't go on vacation for fear of stressing the dog, forcing the husband and kids to stay trapped at home. 

Grief is a very powerful thing. This wife clearly has attached her grief of losing her father to the dog, and we get it… but it's not healthy. We advise you, and this woman, to dig deep into your hearts and look at what is really serving you, and what isn't. Her unhealthy attachment to the dog may cost her more than she imagines.

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Author image for Blake Seidel Blake Seidel
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    'She prioritizes the dog over our kids, and it makes me feel trapped'
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    For context, my wife and I have been together for 15 years, and we are quite happy with 2 kids. Her dad passed unexpectedly, leaving a hoarder house with a significant rat infestation. I got it emptied and we sold the place. He had a 12 year old dog that
    via beardnurse
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    could hardly walk due to inactivity and poor diet, dog looked near death. Dog came home with us, started eating well, and bounced back.
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    The dog is now 15, and has not ceased being the center of my wifes focus. We can, and have hardly left our city these years, because she will not let the dog be watched by anyone other than her mom (long divorced.
    via beardnurse
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    from her dad). Dog sleeps 20+ hours per day, and only engages with my wife or with food, is covered in oing warts, requires specialized grooming, but seems happy enough.
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    We are at a point in our lives when we could travel and do fun stuff with our kids, I want to take them on adventures and build memories, but my requests for trips are met with "I'm worried the dog will be stressed" and things like that.
    via beardnurse
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  • We also worry about our doggo when we go on vacation. But, we also remember that she's a dog, and she will get over it. She has a place we take her to every time that she loves, and although it may not be her home, she will be extra happy to see us when we come back. Distance makes the heart grow fonder!

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    I love my wife more than all heck, but it feels like she prioritizes the dog over our kids, and it makes me feel trapped. She currently gets occasionally counseling. I have tried talking to her about it but it is triggering related to the trauma.
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    Is there anything to do other than wait for the dog to do? Thanks y'all.
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    tossout7878 · 1d ago YOU take your kids on adventures, she can stay and watch the dog.
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    amongthepillows • 1d ago It's very likely that he's sublimating her feelings of grief about her father on to his dog.
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    Has she ever done grief counselling or therapy? Does she have any regrets surrounding her father's death that she may be trying to atone for?
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    Cheezburger Image 10530220288
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    thandi81 1d ago I think your wife needs therapy, I really feel for her. The dog is her last connection to her father. You said the dog is 15 now I don't think he is long for this world. Do little memory building with your kids. And your wife. It's got to really hurt
    via thandi81

  • We lost our best friend about 6 years ago. It still hurts to this day. But our dog helped us through a lot of it. She would lick our face when we would cry, and snuggle with us when we were lonely. She is an angel!

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    Sewasmiles · 1d ago . Don't you think this could be as much about losing her dad as it is the dog? Taking care of the dog is the very last thing she can do for her dad? And the dog is the last living connection she has with him? Sounds like there is a lot of unprocessed grief here.
    via Sewasmiles
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    Brynhild 1d ago Did her dad pass alone suddenly with no one else there in the house? Was she close to him?
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    It's definitely an extension of grief. I know when my cat was elderly and weak, I was extremely worried about leaving for even a one night trip or leaving her with anyone else. Because if she had to
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    pass, I wanted to at least be there with her. I missed out on some things for a year but no regrets when she passed suddenly one night and I was with her the entire time
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    She likely feels guilty she wasnt there when her dad d d alone and is doing this to make sure the dog doesn't have to go the same way
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    Pixatron32. 1d ago I think this sounds like it could be complex grief and she would benefit from a therapist to help her process her unresolved issues in her relationship with her father
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    and his death. She has transferred all those feelings and thoughts to this poor animal who sounds like his quality of life is pretty poor.
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    She should deal with this grief before the dog dos because she may deteriorate and not be able to cope with the dual and complex grief.
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    I also recommend to please! organise trips and adventures for you and your kids. I'd also encourage at least one or two couples counselling sessions regarding this issue as it would likely build resentment.
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    She may also blame you later on for excluding her which is ridiculous but passive aggressive. Sometimes our brains automatically rewrite memories to justify emotions such as exclusion or betrayal.
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    Enjoy the trips! Your kids will love it and your wife may enjoy solo time with her Dad's dog.
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    Fjordgard 1d ago . OP, you wrote in the comments: She didn't expect the dog to live so long and feels I resent the dog for keeping our family from having experiences, which is true.
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    Except that's not true. Your dog isn't keeping your family from making experiences. The dog would survive with a dogsitter or, honestly, probably alone for an afternoon while you are taking the kids to the aquarium.
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    The two people who are keeping your family from making experiences are you and your wife.
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    You, because you are perfectly capable when it comes to taking your kids to local things like an aquarium yourself. Your wife is an adult and able to make her own decisions when it comes to
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    accompanying you or staying at home with the dog. And you are an adult and able to do things without her - and, quite frankly, you should do that regardless of the dog. As much as it is important to
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    have family-experiences, I think it is also really rewarding and bonding for a parent to have father-kids-time or mother-kids-time where the other parent is not present. There is no reason for you to feel guilty; again, your wife is
    via Fjordgard
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    able to make her own decisions and is free to accompany you and the kids if she wants to. If she decides not to, then that's her choice. It's not your choice if she stays behind, thus you don't have to feel guilty.
    via Fjordgard

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